Texas Citing Bar Patrons for Being Drunk

Check this out: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,188956,00.html

Texas is gonna fine you and/or stick your ass in jail if you drink too much alcohol in a bar. Yes, you read that correctly.

Not that I spend all of my off-time there but now Texas has become a place I have no desire to waste time in. Add it to my private list that already contains Boulder and Fort Collins, CO, and most cities in California. And of course any state in the south. Why the south?

Why not?

"B.J. Hassell, manager of victims services with MADD Texas State, which serves central Texas, said her organization supports the crackdown."

First and foremost, why would any lady go by the name of BJ? I mean, on purpose? Not that I mind of course but it is a wee bit unusual. It's probably only in Texas that women use initials for a first name anyway.

But on to the more important issues. So if you go to a bar and drink too much you can get fined or go to jail. Even if you have a ride. Uh-huh. Wow, if Texas now believes that they have to run everyone's life there is no end in sight to the madness.

Damn, maybe we should let Mexico have Texas back. Would anyone really care? Texans will be too busy to notice. Half will be drinking in bars and going to jail; the other half will be in the bars looking for the first half.

'"Can you imagine if TABC had not stopped those people from leaving the bar, how many more drunk drivers we might have had on the road?" Hassell said.'

Yes, "BJ" I can imagine. But not what you're referring to. What I can imagine has to do with talking to a girl named "BJ."

Let me pretend for a moment that your name was Mary instead. Ahhhh...that's better.

Just think Mary, if you just close all the bars you won't have any drunk drivers from those places.

Better yet get rid of all cars, leave the bars (tax revenue baby!) and all you will be left with is Drunk Walkers.

Wait, that's only if you get rid of all motorized things with wheels; plus bicycles, skateboards, roller blades and pogo sticks (uh-oh, that's affecting revenue again).

And if you outlaw walking, you'll only have Stationery Drunks. But you could still fine 'em!

Toss out alcohol together and all your problems will be solved. Except then you'll have to get a real J-O-B. And Texas will need to look for a ton of income from other sources.

Am I the only one on the planet that gets this? Yes, I know I am, I realize what a silly question that is.

These people are drinking ALCOHOL. And anyone who says they do it for the taste is full of SHIT. If you want taste you drink JUICE or SODA. PEOPLE drink ALCOHOL to get DRUNK.

It's retarded to think otherwise. Wow, a wobbly person in a bar? Really? I'm shocked. Can't we just shoot 'em? After all it is Texas.

Driving Conditions

Everyone has probably seen the electronic signs on the highway that flash all sorts of fascinating messages while you're cruising down the road at 80 miles an hour. Well, maybe not drivers in the south as I believe electricity is needed to make them work.

Tonight the sign on the local stretch of our interstate told me "Winter Driving Conditions."

Really? No shit.

So that's what that white stuff is falling out of the sky and collecting on the road and on my windshield? How come it never says "Summer Driving Conditions" or "Spring Driving Conditions"?

Here's one of those McNasty rules. If it's winter time, and ESPECIALLY if it's snowing, I suggest all drivers be prepared for "Winter Driving Conditions." If you're not, then you my friend are a jackass and should not be driving a motorized vehicle of any kind.

Another one of my favorites as I drive down to Denver is "Expect Delays."

Really? No shit.

I'm surprised to think that we might have traffic delays in a major metropolitan area that only has one major north/south interstate for access. And my favorite part of this is that we're paying for these signs. The sign, the pole and the electricity.

At least make them funny. Tomorrow I'd like to see one that says: "Yes, you paid for this dip-shit!"

The Solitary Blogger

I've just noticed that between Hoss sitting at home with a bag of frozen peas on his testes and Squidrick being, well, I have no idea where the hell he is, gone, I'm pretty sure I'm blogging to myself.

Between their disappearance and the fact that no search engine in the world will ever find this blog (Hoss has a better chance of looking down and seeing his toes beyond his belly one day) I think this blogging thing might only qualify as therapy for yours truly.

I added a counter just to see if anyone else actually comes here and looks around. Since installing it, 29 or so hits have taken place. All of them me playing around and posting.

Not very encouraging.

But I invested some time (certainly not money as I'm very cheap) in search engine placement so lets see what the hell happens.

I'll feel somewhat better if Hoss can ever sit at his keyboard again without an ice pack. Talk about a big pussy. He's whining non-stop about his poor testicles. Shut up and get back to work slacker.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Anyone reading this post on March 17th at this hour obviously isn't Irish or doesn't understand the spirit of St. Patrick's day. Or you are like me and have no life whatsoever.

I'm not sure why they call it his day because technically it's our day. In fact it's my day and I just let the rest of you in on it.

You can keep all of your other holidays. This is my favorite one. Not so much in Colorado because Cowboys and green beer don't go together.

But back in the day, laddie, we'd make this one day last for three. Early afternoons at Patrick's Pub in NY for Guinness and corned beef sandwiches. A drive to Boston for more Guinness and shepherd's pie at the Purple Shamrock. Immediately to be followed by bar hopping through the best bars Beantown had to offer.

Well, I guess I'll go and wash down those memories with a store-bought can of Guinness while I munch on the Hungry Man's Corned Beef Dinner Platter. And maybe if I'm lucky there'll be a St. Patrick biography on the history channel.

Team USA Eliminated By Mexico

Okay. We got eliminated tonight from the World Baseball Classic. We obviously suck because we lost to Canada and South Korea along the way. But guess who eliminated us?

Mexico. Huh? Yes, Mexico. The country? Yes, Mexico. Do they even play baseball? Yes, why do you think they sneak into the United States? To learn baseball. Apparently it worked very well.

This loss may turn out to be a good thing for our immigration woes however because there won't be any need for them to keep coming. Sounds to me like the student is now the master.

Perhaps a number of us will now be sneaking into Mexico. Well, let's not be silly or get carried away. After all it is Mexico we're talking about. But maybe our PRO-fessional baseball players should be forced to spend time there. They might learn how to play baseball again.

Mexico? You lost to fucking Mexico? Is there any player on Team USA that shouldn't be stripped naked and beat with a splintered wooden spoon?

And lets not forget that this is right on the heels of the disgusting effort put on by the USA hockey team in the Olympics.

Anyone noticing a pattern? Can we please leave the prima donna PRO-fessionals home to count their millions and let the kids play? The college students? Non-college but still amateurs? Anyone but a pro?

Please tell me there aren't any more tournaments coming up in any sport where we will be sending "America's Best." I'd rather send my son's little league team.

Note to Bud Selig: Next time call me and I'll tell you how to do it. Just listen to Nasty....he knows all.

Re-Polish, Please!

I still think it's a wee bit freaky that females paint their toe nails. Now don't bother telling me that some guys do too. I know that and those fellows are not freaky, they're freaks, period.

Other then certain summer footwear or walking around in public barefoot, who's gonna see the polish anyway? So who do they do it for? Does it make them feel more womanly?

If you're feeling down and out pour some paint on your tootsies!

But the even larger issue I have with these painted ladies are the ones that don't re-polish. I stood behind one of them in Starbucks today (it was "Get our $2.50 cup of coffee free today" day). She had summer footwear on so the toes were out for all to see.

Once I got past the Fred Flintstone size of each foot I saw the nails. They looked diseased. For a moment I thought I had come in contact with my first leper. Or perhaps gangrene had set in. Whatever it was, it wasn't pretty and certainly didn't make wearing those kind of shoes a good idea.

Since I had to stand in line with the rest of the cheap bastards in town wanting a free cup of coffee I had plenty of time to stare at those toes. Sort of the standard "train wreck" scenario. Eventually it dawned on me. It was red nail polish that had chipped off haphazardly and become blotchy in spots. Ick. If you're gonna paint the damn things at least make them look nice. Some daily maintenance would be nice if the rest of us are gonna be forced to witness your freakiness.

Hoss' Big Day

I'm sure all of you will be happy to know that come the end of this week, Hoss will no longer be able to procreate. That's good for all mankind. Especially those women that might otherwise have had to suffer as incubator for his demon seed.

Rumor has it that laser technology will be used. For his sake I hope the doc has a steady hand. Otherwise he'll really have a reason to shower in public with his pants on.