Mass Intentions

Okay, so it’s almost two weeks after Easter. I’ve been thinking about this since Easter Eve and I usually run two weeks behind in life anyway.

It’s quite amusing to watch the folks that go to mass on Easter. Well, let me be fair. Easter and Christmas. The other 50 weeks are optional.

Now don’t get me wrong. I sure as hell don’t go every week but I’m up front with it. In fact, if I wasn’t dragged along by the Family I would probably never go.

If you’re only going to go twice a year, why bother at all? I belong to the Roman Catholic Church (although I’m sure they wish I didn’t). They have an Easter Vigil mass (night before Easter). It’s the longest freakin’ mass of the year. It goes on and on and on. Something like nine hours. Okay, maybe three. It feels like nine.

I’ve been told by some of the part-timers that they go Saturday evening so they can sleep in Sunday morning. Why not just stay home, period?

So there I was, surrounded by a gazillion Catholics. Some full-timers but mostly the twice a year variety. Standing room only. Kids all over the place screaming and crying. Moms and Dads passing them back and forth, glaring at the kids and at each other.

Regretting that decision to come? What the hell did you expect would happen? Did you think the little tyke would remain silent for three hours? Hell, one hour wouldn’t be possible. If you have cable or satellite I’ll bet you could have found a TV broadcast of a Mass from somewhere in the world. Think about it…attend Mass from your living room, lock the kids in their rooms.

You might want to try bringing them to a regular Mass during the year, one that doesn’t last for a week and a half. Start ‘em slow. Work ‘em up to the marathon session.

Of course, most of the kids are dragged out kicking and screaming shortly after Mass begins and spend three hours hanging out in the lobby or walking around and around the church. Usually it’s the Dads with child duty, and they actually seem happy to be doing it. You know, as opposed to the alternative.

I know this because I was also hanging out in the lobby. I was falling asleep in church and woke up drooling on the old lady next to me. That was enough for me. Made a quick run to Starbucks for some liquid refreshment and sat down in the lobby to enjoy the show.

I don’t get kids. They’re screaming because they’re asked to sit still. So when they get their way and leave they’re still screaming. Make up your freakin’ mind. Wait, they don’t have one of those.

When the kids get older, what do the parents say when the kids ask why they only go twice a year? Or, perhaps, why they HAVE to go twice a year?

My parents did that. Twice a year whether they needed it or not. And during the rest of the year they dropped me off at Sunday school, turned around and went home to eat donuts, drink coffee and read the paper. While they have all the fun I’m learning that Jesus loves me. Yes, I know. I get it. Can we move on to something else? How about a little church history? Rumor has it there were a lot of bad Popes along the way that did some pretty rotten stuff. Why couldn’t I learn about them?

Back in the good old days we had Father Murphy. When he said Mass it rocked. In and out in a little over 30 minutes. He wanted to get back to the rectory and hit the bottle. He was the best.

That was my last Easter Vigil. I can’t take it any more. I’m gonna watch Easter Mass on TV next year. But I’ll record it on TIVO so I can fast-forward through the boring parts.