American Airlines

I usually don’t fly American Airlines. Not because I dislike them but because there are other airlines that have better frequent flyer plans, lower prices, etc. If I have to fly for work I better get something out of it. Remember, it's all about me. However, every now and then something happens and I have to fly an airline not in my top three.

Saturday was one of those days. And I flew American. I sure as hell won’t be in any hurry to fly them again.

Some of the highlights of my day with American Airlines:

1) The first leg of the journey was from Greenville, SC to Chicago, IL. The ticket guy in Greenville was just the beginning.

I want a window seat. If I can’t get a window seat I’ll take an aisle seat. Middle seats are, of course, the loser seat of all time.

Aisle seats suck because you have to get up every time the weak-bladdered bastards next to you need to take a leak. Also, when I fall asleep I either drool on the person in the middle seat or slide out into the aisle.

Window seats rock for the same two reasons. I can hold my bladder (here’s a hint folks, take a trip to the bathroom BEFORE you get on the plane) and not have to get up. When sleeping I can lean AND drool on the window. No harm done to anyone.

So I explained all this to ticket boy. I lost count how many times he generated a boarding pass that he then ripped up. Finally, he hands me two boarding passes, for the first leg and the second leg, and they were middle seats. I asked him if windows and aisles were taken. He apologized and said that those weren’t the seats he meant to give me. WTF?

What the hell was he doing for fifteen minutes shredding boarding passes BEFORE he handed me the wrong damn seats?

2) Okay, this isn’t exactly American Airlines fault. Why do they put up TSA signs recommending that you remove your shoes (but you don’t have to, the sign says so!) if the security person makes you take them off anyway? And government wonders why we think they’re retarded.

3) The flight chick from Greenville to Chicago was very nice. But english wasn’t her first language. I don’t think it was her second, third or fourth either. Some airlines play a recording for the moron show. The moron show is the part at the beginning of the flight where they show you how to buckle your seat belt, how to use your seat as a flotation device, what to do if an oxygen masks pop out of the overhead compartment, etc. Anyone that doesn’t know that routine by now must either be stupid or living under a rock.

Since we know people in this country do live under rocks (see the southern states) we know that the moron show is necessary (not to mention that the FAA requires it). So, if ya got folks that can’t speak English clearly, use the recorded show! Makes sense to me.

Not American Airlines, they let this very nice woman do the show herself. Well, it’s a damn good thing I had it memorized from previous experience because I certainly wouldn’t have understood it if I was hearing it for the first time.

4) The flight from Chicago to Denver was awful. I did have the window but was hoping by the mid-point of the flight that I could open it and jump out. What a nightmare.

First of all, the flight chicks were freakin’ rude. I have noticed that on the older airlines, with the older flight chicks (unions, baby), they are very impressed with themselves.

They’re Nazis over the stupid shit…make sure the bag is all the way under the seat in front of you, make sure I can see your seat belt when it’s buckled (yeah…ever look at most people's bellies these days? You’ll never find that belt and buckle once its on), demanding your trash whether you’re done or not. Shit like that. Younger airlines have flight chicks that do the same job but don’t get their panties in a bunch over it.

They are the snobs of the airline neighborhood. Get over yourselves. You serve snacks and beverages. You handle puke bags. You show people how to buckle their seat belt. And that’s fine. It’s a job. Someone’s gotta do it. But please, you ain’t exactly neurosurgeons.

5) And speaking of snacks and drinks, do you think you cheap bastards could give me the entire can of Coke? Would it kill ya? Gonna have to cut the pilots' salaries?

And thanks for the bag of pretzels. Mine had pieces of 11 mini-pretzels! The sucker next to me only had 9 pieces. Loser. But seriously, how about the whole can and two bags of chips. I’ll even buy the second bag if it’s gonna put you out of business.

6) The Captain tried to be a comedian. I think. I couldn’t tell if he was being serious or not. He didn’t look like one, didn’t sound like one and sure as hell had lousy material if he was trying to be one.

When everyone was settling in, he came on the intercom system and told us that everything was done in the cockpit, that the ground crew was done and if his first officer would stop flirting with the #1 flight chick we could be on our way. He actually said that.

Some people laughed, and some people (moi) couldn’t decide if he was trying to be funny or not. A few moments later he got back on and told us how long the flight would take and again referenced the flirting. “If the nonsense stops we’ll be on our way.” Weird guy. Not funny. Weird.

7) Rabbit ears. One of the flight chicks wore rabbit ears (Easter weekend) and did some trivia over the intercom. The prize? Meals from the first class cabin. How sickening to watch these folks in the cheap seats giggling and squealing (no, Hoss wasn't there) and punching their call buttons in the hope of a meal that still sucks worse then a Hungry Man dinner from the store.

Damn folks, show some pride.