Elevator Etiquette

This should be one of those topics you learn from a parent. Or perhaps a grandparent. Or maybe an Aunt or an Uncle. Bottom line is whatever form of parental unit you have they should have covered this subject with you.

In fact it should be a five minute conversation. Goes something like this:

"When you're waiting for an elevator, and the door opens, keep your fat ass back a few steps and allow the people getting out of the elevator room to do so. They get off before you get on. Once they have ALL gotten off, then and ONLY then do you get on."

But apparently there must be millions of people out there without any kind of parental unit. Wow, we must have a shit-load of orphanages.

Why? Because I run into people EVERY week that were never taught elevator etiquette. I travel a great deal and use elevators in hotels, office buildings, malls, you name it. And there is always at least one moron that is breathing on the door when it opens, colliding against the people trying to get off of the elevator.

You might think this should fall under the heading of "common sense." Once they bump heads with folks one or two times ya'd think that they'd catch on. Apparently common sense has been re-filed under the heading "rocket science."

I have decided that my job description in life has been expanded once again. It is my duty to fight elevator rudeness wherever I find it.

Usually I keep it short and simple:

"Hey dumbass. Why don't you wait for people to get off before you get on? Think there might be a little more room for your fat ass then? Huh, Einstein?"

Nothing too detailed for them. If they have such difficulty with the overall concept to begin with you better talk in small syllables using bright colors.

Honestly. People suck ass.