School Events

If you have kids you should be familiar with school events. Regardless of their age ya gotta go and watch something. Christmas plays for the midgets, band or choir for the older kids, etc. You may have some playing sports (that’s my personal favorite) or perhaps you only get to go for parent-teacher conferences. That one is always fun. But you have to go and that’s my point. Sometimes they’re okay and sometimes they suck. They suck more often than not. BUT it’s our duty and obligation. Those of us stupid enough to have kids deserve to be punished repeatedly over the years and this is an excellent form of punishment.

Last week I went to see my son who is in the school singing/dancing group. Cool. I enjoy watching him do his thing and they only do a couple of songs. I’m in and out in fifteen minutes, right? Hell no. The guy who runs these things packages it in with all of the choirs. And I do mean choirs. PLURAL. They have five versions. Can you freakin’ believe that? FIVE. They have men only and women only. The first issue I have there is referring to a group of 14 year-old pimple-faced freshman as men. Same goes for the “women.” But beyond that they have a couple of “advanced” choirs. Does that mean they sing harder songs? Do they have to memorize more songs? Do they sing better? Hell I don’t know but based on what I witnessed none of the above seems to be the case.

The advanced groups were better than the men’s group. Oh my God. I give ‘em credit for getting up there and doing what they did in public. But what they did in public shouldn’t be allowed in public. Egads.

So ANYWAY the point is that I have to suffer through these five choirs before my son’s group gets up there and does their thing. Now why do I have to watch your kids? Its bad enough I have to watch my own so why the hell do I want to watch your little porker up on stage contorting their faces in a way that reminds me of someone taking a shit?

Yes. I hear all of you parents saying it’s easier to schedule it all on one night. I know. If I were the director I’d want to get it over with as soon as possible too. But can’t they schedule time slots? One group leaves and the other one gets on stage, Spectators run in and out. We all have our fifteen minutes of suffering and then get to go home. Seems fair to me. I believe in punishment for parents but lets be humane about it.

An hour later out comes my son with his troupe and they do a decent job. The sound system sucks and you can’t hear shit. The music drowns out their voices. That’s been happening since he started in the group but maybe I’m the only one that notices it. THREE years now. Is it just me? Anyone else notice that you can’t hear the SINGING group SING?

The dancing is pitiful but I realize none of them are Broadway trained and that goes for the “choreographer” too. In comparison to other years this one was pretty good. BUT I don’t think that folks whose kids are NOT in this group should be forced to sit and watch. If I don’t want to watch your little fat-ass you shouldn’t have to watch mine (of course my son is thin, muscular and handsome, just like his Dad. Well, just like his Dad was 20 years ago).

My biggest problem with the singing and dancing group are the fat chicks. There are some places and activities that fat chicks should not be in or involved with. Dancing is one of them. Singing is okay. You know, they always talk about the fat lady singing so that’s acceptable. But dancing? Ick. And remember, they don’t even dance well. Hell, Paula Abdul, a pro, shouldn’t be out there anymore with those ham hocks vibrating all over the stage.

So now we’ve got fat, BAD dancers on stage. And they wear clothes that just speak right to you and say, “Help! I’ve got a fat person inside of me and they won’t get out!” I start feeling sorry for a pair of $9.99 Wal-Mart stretch pants. Well, at least they stretch. That makes it less painful for the pants.

Now lets make sure you understand me on this point. Tight clothes on girls are fine. As long as they’re not FAT.

Ever wonder how fat girls can wear high heels? Those heels must be made out of some indestructible substance you hear about on Star Trek.

Fat guys are fine when dancing. Or should I say trying to dance. They make you laugh. Fat girls trying to dance make me ill. Yes, another double-standard but tough noogies. That’s life. Fat guys have their bellies bounce up and down, their faces turn red and drip sweat, their shirts won’t stay tucked in their pants and it’s simply fascinating to watch. It’s an effort to focus on my son’ performance while all these junior John Belushis are writhing around on stage.

Sports are the best but I’m the worst kind of Dad to go to these events. I know that I know more than all of the coaches and it’s very difficult not to tell them that. Repeatedly. Again, assuming coaches are competent they’re stuck with the talent that fate has given them for a particular grade or age group. I know that. But I also know I could do better than they do with shitty talent. And one of these days I may just go and demonstrate it. One of these days. But it is easier to just bitch about it on the sidelines with the other Dads who are also smarter than the coaches but not quite as smart as me.

Probably the worst part about going to these events is when you don’t know about it until it’s time to leave. That always pisses me off. Even if I didn’t have anything planned I need some advance notice. Some sort of warning. Some time to prepare yourself for the challenge ahead. I have learned to call the school and get the schedules for all the events I will have to attend. God knows my children won’t bring them home and if they do they never leave the book bag. But that’s an entire story of its own! Sometimes I also ask for the schedules of events I don’t have to go to so that when it pops up on the calendar I get psyched that someone else has to suffer.

Summer was always a time of great relief when I was a student. Now it's still a time of great relief because I don't have to go and watch my children as students. Roll on summer!!